The Words I Never Got to Use That Could’ve Saved My Life Earlier Than Now
Feelings are very tricky. You want to believe what you’re feeling is real and valid until someone else whom you believe equally “knows” you comes along and tells you otherwise. What do you do then? Your feelings change back to their perspective.
While growing up, my emotions were rarely validated. I sought so much attention from my parents through several almost damaging means all to no avail. Most times they backfired with more negligence and negative pronunciations on my person. And I believed it.
Despite all that was happening, I couldn’t differentiate what was right and wrong. I went with whatever the next definition about myself from anybody I thought knew me well came without minding myself.
At last, it damaged my person, my being. I became the sum or average of everybody’s opinion about me. I always thought if I lived with them for as long as I did, if they knew me, then they had to be right about me.
I never got a breather.
The bigger the attention I sought, the lonelier I felt. Mind you, some of these attention-seeking quests came from a genuine intended place for the betterment of my relationship with them. But they all fell on deaf ears. The louder I got, the louder their opinion, and my belief in them.
Little did I know I needed to use a few words to calm all the storm. At least for a chance to reach inside me.
Let Me Be.
Seriously, let me be.
If I could have said it a long ago, internalized, and acted upon it, it’d have helped me be indeed. If I could’ve believed that by saying it and believing it even if they didn’t, I wouldn’t have deteriorated mentally as I did.
Yet, I summoned the courage not only to say it but to believe and act on it.
Let. Me. Be.
Being, in the sense that, I acknowledge I’m probably all you all must’ve said I am, but I’m redeemable regardless.
Being, in the sense that, I acknowledge my faults, I know I have a lot of good sides to me as well (which I rarely hear about). Which is okay by me too.
Being, in that it was obvious I could not continue to cohabit with them or relate as such with them any longer.
After using and exercising that statement in many conspicuous and inconspicuous ways, I gained freedom in the aspects I listed above and decided to drive my life. Liberty from the emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, and physical attachment and dependence I heaved on them.
It is through being, that I discovered I’m truly a breath of fresh air to others who value me. To others who understand me, to those who are worthy to become part of my tribe indeed — not the ones I had to beg for it from. Or reduce my person to get. Characters perceived as absurd by my family were fascinating to some others. I became a source of inspiration to other people through some of the so-called despicable acts I was told I portrayed.
And I still carry on.
It’s not been an as easy feat. Regrets abound, fear, loneliness, pain, hurt, and some depressive triggers. But they are worse than they used to be.
I am learning about myself more now and appreciating all that I come with. All because I decided, from all the pain and pressure I’ve been put through, to utilize and exercise those life-saving words, let me be.
So, if there’s any trance you are in, any deep shit you’re going through emotionally or mentally, be hopeful that one day you will find the right kind of words or sentence that will salvage the situation and quench the turbulence going on inside. It’s too good to be true, but believe me, it’s true. It might be through using mine or some other. Either way, make sure you share your story for others to learn.
Thanks for reading.
