Wording
A scenario:
A wedding got canceled due to irreconcilable differences (incompatibility, to put it quite simply) disastrously, a few weeks to the time. With the pain and agony associated, the bride decides not to ever speak about it nor answer any relative questions, I mean, what justice would it do in real-time doing so?. Therefore, she sealed it all.
Fast forward to a few years later, it seemed over it, the weight of talking about or mentioning it must be lesser now compared to when it was fresh. So she doesn’t mind.
However, she gets involved in a chat that precipitously throws her off balance. For real. One that put her on the spot to flashback to it all.
A chat that was relative to honeymooning. More like a question. One that reminded her of all the memories she had fantasizing and planning for her then honeymoon that could have led to the marital journey.
“Where do you hope to get your honeymoon?”.
A present tense kind of question.
Yet she blurted out an answer which sold her off.
A response that sold her off as still very much attached to the whole ‘painful’ experience although she wasn’t — an ‘unnecessary’ past tense kind of response.
Response; “if I could have gotten married to that dude (she also took the pain to mention his name), then we would have had our honeymoon at …”.
There’s that awkward moment of silence.
Then she began to regret why she responded that way as that painted a picture of still having lingering thoughts and attachment about the whole episode — knowing fully well that she’s truly moved on and him likewise.
That was when she had the not-so-far-fetched Aha moment! that it was her wording that sold her off the wrong way and always has to be quite frank.
Wording is how you use your words — literally. Your choice of words in delivering a message, communicating, even during fights and arguments, delivering a speech, and other kinds of verbal/oral presentation. It’s not about how you speak or if you speak well or not but rather how you generally talk.
It is crucial when it comes to communicating effectively.
Unlike manner of approach, it’s what you say not how you say it.
Wording is not always a reflection of how we feel. Most times, it is due to lack of better words, the anxiety from being put on the spot, or other unexpected extenuating circumstances.
Words are very powerful and therefore relaying them to relate must be done with utmost carefulness.
This is applicable to a multitude of sectors of life. Workplace, personal relationships, family, and so on. In these different sectors lie their respective wording standards if you like, and thus, mannerisms of communication.
In a workplace, for example, certain wordings can be referred to as being ‘politically correct’ — this transcends a typical ‘structured’ work environment. As a writer, for instance, there are certain ways to relate and relay certain issues or topics. There are no stringencies per se, as far as I know, but we have to word our thoughts and feelings in ways we don’t appear aggressive and/ or offensive — because we know we are purposefully trying to inspire and not shatter. Certain ‘extreme’ vocabularies or wording may be used for one-off cogent needs — maybe to buttress a strong point — but not on a regular basis. You could still refer to this as being politically correct.
Being politically or apolitically correct has to do with targets and/ or groups of people in mind you don’t want to come off offensive towards and others unbothered, respectively. Whereas wording permits you to say what you have in mind but more curated with a little bit of sensitivity and wholesome sensibility involved.
Like I’ve heard from many sources and authors, one of which is the talented writer Anthony Moore may be; there are finite topics to talk about and infinite ways of talking about them. In other words, there’re many ways to explain a few things.
Going by that and protracting through, I’d like to add that it’s pervasive to many other areas in life. A simple sentence can be yawed in many ways to produce different meanings.
Inability to properly word your thoughts or feelings can be detrimental to your relationship.
With the instance I introduced above, my current partner could have easily ‘misread’ my intentions or feelings with the kind of response I gave and that could amount to a misunderstanding — that may protract and wear out the relationship in the end — under the guise of “she’s not over her ex”.
Wording can be detrimental in your family when you choose to keep using harsh, but maybe relevant words in expressing your thoughts to your parents.
Most parents are very fragile in mind, no matter how tough they may appear. My dad, for instance, is a stickler to freedom of speech and expression, well with a clause. A particular time came when I had expressed myself using the word ‘frustrated’ and he went berserk about what I said over how I was actually feeling. His little tender (seemingly tough) heart couldn’t take it. He loves to hear you out but in more subtle words than the original.
Wording doesn’t really necessitate that you lie or not tell it like it is. But this is why there are synonyms out there to almost every word that you can use — to relay and relate. That is also why there is also the word “nuance”. The ability to deviate a little, to soothe, the ability to deviate a little to inspire, the ability to deviate a little to communicate effectively.
Let’s not forget that communication or any conversation for that matter takes two, if not it becomes a soliloquy — and I know that’s not what you’re aiming for.
To reaffirm, a little bit of sensitivity and sensibility goes a long way in wording to achieve your end results — relay and relate.
Another scenario;
I recently saw a movie by Daniel Craig (James Bond) named ‘Knives Out’. The movie entailed investigations for a very prominent writer’s suicide that was suspected to be a murder case — in which the entire household was called for questioning.
One of them happened to be the personal carer of the writer — Marta by name. She was exceptional during the investigation because she couldn’t lie and whenever she did, she’d vomit. She also knew what had happened to the deceased, witnessed it even, and that made her the best-suspected candidate.
Did she lie then or did she tell the truth?
Well, she told fragments of truth from the whole scenario, didn’t vomit, and hence, escaped being labeled a murderer by the dreaded sycophantic investigator Daniel.
All because of her wording.
Wording will help you scale through. What would have been so disastrous and confirmed can be rehearsed again all because of last-minute wording. It changes everything. During a misunderstanding, fight, or an argument. Wording will penetrate through.
No wonder a pleasant demeanor can be tossed aside when it’s associated with inappropriate wording. What this means is that you can be polite in appearance and at the same time insulting someone with your words — and no one will take it. You can be smiling and at the same time spewing abusive words — this is where the manner of approach and wording differs.
To make any communication or relations effective, you must imbibe the act of good manner of approach associated with good wording. It stands you out wherever you go.
Let’s learn to be mindful of our choice of words and actions because there are consequences for them.
If you must relay how you feel for the other person in order to relate, then you must do it the right way.
This is synonymous with being emotionally mature. If you are, then you’d know that feelings and emotions are uncontrollable, but actions and words you depict afterward tells others what they need to know — whether you’re a wise or careless person.
When you notice you’re normally aggressive with your words or saying the wrong things all the time, it’s time to have a rethink.
Are you acting out of the ‘norm’ which was created due to childhood trauma or other current excruciating circumstances you’ve found your self in?
Get to the roots of things. Get help. Understand the psychology behind your constant abusive, offensive, aggressive, or other inappropriate use of words.
It could be as simple as not being the type of person that can’t tell it as it is — in which case you refer to yourself as being ‘real’. Ask yourself what the word ‘real’ actually means. Does it mean being unreasonable in the bid to expressing your raw thoughts, does it mean being demeaning in the bid to being you?. Find out.
Everyone has the capacity to be carefree with their words wherever they find themselves — as freedom of speech is widespread compared to any other kinds of freedom I know of. But we must endeavor to curtail our words — not thoughts — not emotions — not feelings — so that we are refined.
Being refined in our presentation is ultimate. It’s not a question of denying or renouncing your true self, but taking time out to think again, sieve and sift ‘where necessary’ and express them afterwards.
Another not-so-far-fetched reason why this quote “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then be quiet” is popular, it’s because it speaks volume on the advantages of wording in communicating and thus, relating well. If you’re caught off guards with certain questions best be quiet if you can’t seem to quickly process the right answer at the moment to give than spewing nonsense (literally).
There’s no rule that states you must answer a given question and immediately too. This will avert the anxiety that normally occurs during or that may ensue afterward — because you will feel the way I felt after giving the kind of response I gave in the introduction. Take your time. Reflect through.
It takes self-awareness for the detection (from the roots & real-time too) and mindfulness to kick-start the process of correction and the discipline to persevere through in using your words well.
No one is asking you not to be yourself, but just like there’s a time and place for everything, there are many ways to word your feelings or thoughts. You can be refined while assertively conveying your thoughts and feelings. You don’t have to be nasty because you feel nasty. Once in a while is okay though and that’s as real as I can get.
Moderation is subtraction; not doing at all is as bad as doing too much — Jaymie Gill in “4 Mental Health Tips from The Bhagavad Gita”.
Every action and word have their consequences and being emotionally mature includes bearing this, and also that you can’t control your emotions, thoughts, and feelings, at the back of your mind — not evading them per se.
It’s not about being quiet all the time but choosing your words carefully based on the situation or scenarios you find yourself. The way you speak to your boyfriend wouldn’t be the same way you speak to your boss. That sort of mental shift is what I mean. Moderation is subtraction; not doing at all is as bad as doing too much.
Wording is literally how you use your words — in communicating, while fighting, arguing, or while in a lovey-dovey state. Word your thoughts, feelings, and emotions properly. Combine it with good manners of approach (that is, your actions, demeanor etcetera). It’s worth it — for your betterment as a person and for your relationship with others — in their respective life stratum.
You may like to categorically know the consequences of wrongful wording. And they are misreading, which leads to misunderstanding down to lack of peace of mind in the form of escalation of tedious emotions like anxiety etcetera— to potential negative self-talk and/or beratement afterward.
And I know these are not your aims either.
