What Forgiveness Isn’t About

What no one else except yourself tells you about forgiveness that you tend to ignore.

Comet N.
4 min readOct 24, 2021

They will always say that forgiveness is the forerunner of any relationship, and I agree. But first, we need to understand other aspects of forgiveness we tend to push aside — conveniently.

I’ll delve right into it:

Forgiveness isn’t forgetfulness

People often think that just because they’ve been forgiven, then suddenly, all the past wrongful deeds are flushed down the toilet. No hunnay, forgiveness doesn’t work that way and if it seemed like that for you, it’s unreal.

Forgiveness is an actual process of healing for both parties. It’s a process not a destination per se. Therefore it will take some time to fully materialize. And while that is the case, the brain/mind always remembers what it’s trying to forgive. So, no, forgiveness isn’t forgetfulness.

Forgiveness isn’t a means to relax

Again, just because someone forgives you doesn’t mean it’s an avenue for you to relax or relapse back to your old ways with them. As formerly iterated, forgiveness takes time. It might look like things are all solved on the surface but it’s deeper than that on the inside. Therefore you shouldn’t expect a total recall or relapse to the way things were before the wrong deeds.

Forgiveness isn’t magic

This point ought to be my starting one but it’s imperative to get the two points above off my chest first before saying this. Probably because I needed you to get an idea as to how forgiveness works before letting you know it’s not magic or a trick. Somebody was truly hurt, emotionally or mentally, or physically even. And it’s going to take a whole lot to get them soothed in one or many of these aspects. It’s not something you magically wand or wish for and it happens.

Forgiveness isn’t a one-size-fits-all

Oh, and just before you think all-forgiving spirits or styles are the same, I’m here to refute that. Of course on solid grounds — which is that forgiveness differs based on the individual. I might forgive you for hurting me based on if you apologized to me as opposed to using kind gestures to lure me to forgive. It might the antithetical approach for somebody else.

Some people would even tell you they don’t need you to apologize and that they simply forgive you from their hearts (how noble). Because again, they quote “forgiveness is for them and not the people that have hurt them”.

Leading me to my next point.

Frankly speaking, forgiveness isn’t for just you

I take a contrarian stance on forgiveness is for the forgiver more than it is for the wrongdoer. That’s a lot of pressure.

Forgiveness is for both parties involved.

If you wrong me and apologize to get forgiveness, it’s for you. And I forgive you, it’s for me.

Forgiveness and the peace of mind that comes with it isn’t always a one-way street. It takes two to tango. In this case, the forgiver and the forgiven. Both are mutually benefiting from it. Especially when the peace of mind is the bone of contention here.

Let’s be honest for once about this, please.

Forgiveness isn’t easy

Let’s draw some honesty too into this and admit that forgiveness is hard. Very hard.

The process is quite messy. Just like the growth process. You want to forgive, but it entails a whole lot of hurt and pain from rehashing things out, replaying them, and ultimately feeling the difficult emotions all over again — in the actual bid to let go.

It’s hard. Admit it.

Forgiveness isn’t invariably obtained

What this means is that you can reach a resolve from not being forgiven even after asking for forgiveness or not forgiving somebody else after they sought forgiveness from you.

Somethings are better left as is.

So, instead of complicating things and feeling entitled, find another way to move on. Another means to the end — that is, closure.

Source: Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels

To err is human, and to forgive, divine.

However, the realities surrounding forgiveness must come to terms for us first to boldly and proudly say we’ve forgiven someone of their wrong deeds.

Some of the harsh truths, easily misconceived notions about forgiveness that you must apprise with include:

  • Forgiveness isn’t forgetfulness
  • Forgiveness isn’t a means to relax
  • Forgiveness isn’t a magic
  • Forgiveness isn’t a one-size-fits-all
  • Forgiveness isn’t just for you
  • Forgiveness isn’t easy

When you can acknowledge this and forgive, you’d understand why forgiveness is liberatingly divine. Take it from me.



Comet N.

A girl who writes & addresses toxic hidden agenda in the form of topical issues whilst digesting their relative life lessons. I can't alone— It's a ‘let's all’.