People-pleasing is one of the most self-deprecating signs of low self-esteem. It is the habit of putting other people’s interests before yours, most times, for no other reason than to please them. Whatever pleases them.
People-pleasing is a pervasive way of getting people to be pleased or like you in return. Because of its ubiquitous nature, I’ll delve right into the signs of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing screams I want to be liked and I want to be validated
Literally.
Hence the word people-pleasing. It is when we go out of our way to please others to get them to like us, to be happy with us, or to validate us in one way or another.
Counteraction: no one should have to validate what you do, who you are, or what you believe in, but you. Otherwise, you’re handing over enormous control and power over your life to somebody else — which is undeserving. No one should have to like you when you displease yourself to please them when you suffer detrimentally for their good only.
People-pleasers don’t know how to use the word “NO”:
They know how to say it, but they never use it. They associate the word “NO” to mean rude, uncaring, brash, inconsiderate, unappealing, you name it. And because of these self-made synonyms to what they think saying NO means, they detract from using it. And as such, they constantly accept everything thrown at them that requires burning out their utilities, that is, their mental or physical strength — all in the bid to please others.
People-pleasers are usually burnt out
Extreme fatigue, tiredness, sluggishness, dullness, and aches, etc, never skips the dictionary of complaints a people-pleaser would use at any point in time.
This is since they can’t say “NO” and are constantly working around the clock for others’ sake, people-pleasers are thus depleted of their energy almost all the time — whether it is physically, emotionally, mentally, or psychologically. They’re always on other people’s schedules without the need to take a break. Because of course, that would be, yet again, inconsiderate (or whatever self-made synonym they come up with here) of them.
They mistake people-pleasing to be an act of selflessness
This makes a lot of sense as to why people-pleasers keep on pleasing others. They always assume that they’re being selfless in serving others and leaving themselves out, whereas they’re doing it the reverse way. How?
To take care of others appropriately, we must first take care of ourselves. In other words, we can’t give what we don’t have. You can’t chit-chat your time away late in the night to keep somebody else company and please them that way when you’d rather catch some sleep or do something else you genuinely enjoy doing.
This brings me to my third point
People-pleasers put others’ feelings before theirs
This is a no-brainer of the true meaning of people-pleasing.
People-pleasers don’t necessarily neglect their feelings. They just find themselves in a loop of always putting that of others before theirs. They are constantly worried about how they’d be perceived if they went contrary to what others want thus putting their interest second or last. This habit is born out of fear of being invalidated or not being liked by others.
One of the ways to counter such habit is learning things about yourself that makes you happy. Such as your strengths. Double down on the good parts and outsource the negative ones. This way, you’re adorning yourself by yourself which slowly transcends the need to put others’ interests before yours.
Final thoughts
The tendencies of people-pleasers encapsulate behaviors that show they lack a great sense of self although masked under the impression of selflessness. This misconception leads them to act in discordance with themselves hence maxing out their time, resource, and energy at the beck and call of others. These traits include the inability to use the word “NO” when and where needed, mental and emotional plus physical exasperation, confusion between selflessness and people-pleasing, and finally, putting others’ interests and feelings over theirs.
People-pleasers are ubiquitous. You might not be a people-pleaser in verbatim but you might exhibit one of the tendencies listed above. The point is to cultivate the habit of real-time reflection, a key trait of self-awareness so that you can identify when you’re displeasing yourself to please others — and course correct.
