Some Aspects of Forgiveness to Bear in Mind

Forgiving someone isn’t similar to “love at first sight”, it is a process

Comet N.
4 min readAug 26, 2023

I used to make the mistake of believing that forgiveness was like becoming unaware of every hurtful thing and formatting them from your memory. Until I realized it was a trauma response due to the kind of environment I grew up in. The kind that was highly nonchalant and critical if you didn’t behave alike. And so, that mistake lingered on (with full-on unrecognized resentments) in my other future relationships. Most times I concluded I was just being unforgiving, whereas I was being purely slow in forgiveness.

Which is okay if you are as well, because

Forgiveness is a process, not just an outcome

Forgiveness isn’t always a one-go feat. It’s a process, sometimes very long, that requires a lot of motivation and consideration of factors in several forms to arrive at.

It does not mean the person is unforgiving. It just means they’re learning to undo and untangle some things that caused their hearts to close up against it in the first place. You can call it an initiation of forgiveness. When you’ve made up your mind to engage in certain things to make it achievable.

This may sound fickle and unnecessary but is the humane way to deal with forgiveness.

When it comes to forgiving someone, it may require you to look back to the past hurtful things. that transpired in the first place, and slowly, start replacing them with new thoughts or definitions that can enable that forgiving spirit. Sometimes by also considering the remorseful actions of the wrongdoer if any.

Forgiveness requires a lot of motivation

This is especially true if you’re in an intimate relationship with the person that hurt you. In which case, what they say or do after they’ve apologized should aid your forgiving spirit into forgiving them. It’s not a matter of apologizing and quickly jumping back into the usual. The “routine”. This can create an avenue for the same mistakes to be repeated and hurt multiplied.

For example, taking some time before resuming the talkative or goofy self you used to be toward your partner other than jumping right at it works. Restraining from the usual sexual romps can help clear your mind while working on your forgiving spirit. This is one of the ways to separate the mind/spirit from the body and be rational in your decision-making.

Forgiveness can be slow

Rushing to forgive or feeling coerced to, is a trauma response and something you should consider when you see yourself jumping too quickly to your “usual” self after supposedly forgiving someone. Because just like healing or growth, forgiveness can be excruciatingly slow and painful. You have a bout of good and bad memories flooding your mind. Trying to either convince or confuse you. In this case, reaching that state of forgiveness becomes a very slow one. But if you are determined, plus other factors as aforementioned, you can come out of this stage achieving the forgiving spirit you wanted.

Forgiveness requires not forgiving first

I’ve iterated this here and again, that it’s okay not to forgive somebody but to move on from them. But if forgiveness must prevail, then we must accept this truth first, and then work on it. It’s vital also, that we recognize that forgiveness comes with unforgiving and shattering at first, it helps to know it requires stepping away, and zoning out before the repairs take place. It’s totally fine to not ignore this aspect of your forgiving journey.

Forgiveness cannot be enforced

A lot of loved ones or family members, people with good intentions generally, make the mistake of thinking that reconciling people who are not attuned to themselves is glorifying. But it’s not. In friendship, relationship, or partnership, there’s bound to be a need for the people involved to have to sever contact when things seem irreconcilable — especially when they do. So, enforcing your ideation of how two people should work it out for their family/child, or friends should stay friends due to the longevity of their friendship is selfish. Everyone should have the room to let go of what doesn’t serve them anymore. So, an elder (wiser by age and experience) should learn to accept it and leave it be. Enforcing forgiveness makes it unobtainable.

There you have it.

Forgiveness can be achieved if we can learn to embrace the other aspects related to it. Forgiveness is a process, it needs a lot of fuel in terms of actions or words to obtain. It is extremely slow, especially for highly sensitive individuals or those who have been deeply hurt, it takes stepping away or shattering to reconcile. Last but not least, forgiveness cannot be enforced. It is one thing the forgiver has to accept to work on.

Thanks for taking the time to read



Comet N.

A girl who writes & addresses toxic hidden agenda in the form of topical issues whilst digesting their relative life lessons. I can't alone— It's a ‘let's all’.