Six Common (perilous) Notions Women Have About Relationships And How to Counter them.
Speaking about relationships is as nerve-wracking as maintaining one. It almost feels as though no one is justified enough for it. Married Couples get wary of counseling whereas unmarried couples also tread cautiously around topics that may concern them or their significant other when in the midst of other people.
Talking about relationships almost feels like an elephant in the room as everyone has different opinions and ways with which they deal with their relationships and hence, not always a one-size-fits-all kind of talk.
But the truth is, in this millennial age and time, when two or three women or men are gathered, there’s a high chance, the topic relationship is discussed and a higher chance sex talk is involved too. It’s one of the most interesting topics to discuss which can revive even the most boring group of people.
A relationship is exciting like that, both as a topic of discussion and engaging in but hardly ever to maintain. Reasons being that a lot of misconceptions are left unsorted prior to that.
For women, (having introspectively analyzed), have the role they play in diminishing tangible relationships and their happy-ever-after, most times, knowingly than not. I’m talking about in a typical anticipatory heterosexual relationship.
This does not otherwise mean that all women are guilty of these or that men do not depict these traits either but judging by my personal experiences with men and likewise, loved ones and from relationship experts that I consulted, these common disappointing mistakes relate more to the women than men.
With that said, the list below highlights these common mistakes and how to counteract them.
Assuming that relationships or marriage is for everyone.
Sweetheart, no. We’re social animals by nature but it doesn’t equate to everyone being liable to having a relationship or getting married. This goes beyond being a “miss independent” because independence doesn’t necessarily abolish loneliness. You could still fend for yourself adequately and yearn for a relationship, you could still look after yourself adequately in a relationship and/ or with someone who equally likes to take care of you. This is about carefully evaluating the kind of spirit that you possess. What your nature really is. Do you possess traits that are innately against putting up with someone else? Find out.
Like Coco Chanel, the legendary designer once said “it’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone, it would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong and if he’s stronger than me, I’m the one who can’t live with him”
If you think that marriage is for everyone, check other most powerful women like Oprah and think again.
Viewing relationships as a medium to get away or escape rather than wait.
No matter how far away you run from yourself, nature has a way of (devastatingly) ensnaring you back. Therefore, get in touch with yourself and find out what could possibly be wrong and chasing you into the arms of men who aren’t meant for you. Self-awareness and self-love can never be overemphasized in imploring in this case. It’s difficult to but it’s best to.
Which brings me to my next point.
Assuming that having a relationship is going to solve all their problems.
No hunnie, it won’t. A relationship isn’t a problem solver. God is. You have to cultivate that skill too and first, before engaging in a relationship because relationships come with double, sometimes triple of your original (solo) problems and the ability to find a way out of them is what stands you out and would make your relationship grow stronger.
Believing that a relationship or marriage is supposed to complete them.
Marriage is not a fluid or other element that completes one. It’s healthy to be involved with someone who brings out the best in you and enhances your personal growth and development journey but completion will and can only come from you. If you have a void that needs to be filled, ensure you do so, first, before engaging in a relationship most especially when it’s pertaining to your sense of self (character).
Develop a sense of self-sufficiency which will really go a long way to consolidating your union rather than your union doing so for you.
Conceiving the unforgivable notion that they can change the man.
Imagine having lived your life the way you have up to this point. You grew up with certain academic qualifications, beliefs, and culture; have a certain way you care for yourself, physically, mentally, and otherwise, only to be told you have to strip them all, for the sake of a relationship or in this case, marriage?. I know how you feel already just by thinking about this question.
Substitute yourself for that man you don’t like the fact that he’s religious, calm and accepting (because we normally prefer them aggressive as we equate that to manliness), the way he talks and etcetera, how do you think that makes him feel?
I’ll borrow some of the sentences the relationship experts always use; this includes couples or parents who have been married for a long time;
- Everyone has someone who is meant for them (if they’re meant to be with someone in the first place).
- No one is perfect and already-made for your consumption.
A relationship is all about tweaking and sieving. When you’re with a man who possesses some undesirable attributes but many desirables ones, please cut him some slack, just like he likely would towards you and focus on those parts.
Nevertheless, other things you can do about his bad habits (not the strong belief or culture because it’s near impossible) is let them be at first. Cultivate a strong connection with him while embracing every part and then slowly, but lovingly, re-navigate him to a fairer approach to handling things — as learned and understood from a wise pastor on YouTube, on “Why Marriages Fail” by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo.
For instance is a man who is very loving but finds it difficult to communicate his feelings due to his belief that talking back always amounts to no progress. This can lead to a lot of “assumption issues” and hence, lead the union to more peril. What you can do in this case, is loving him right back and then let him understand the clear difference between talking back and communication. Communication is a form of expression that can make you better understand him and how he feels whereas talking back is clear trouble.
Look for the appropriate time too in so doing as timing is everything in this case. Do so and do it right (assertively).
Lastly, getting into a relationship with uterior motives
Women are naturally emotional compared to men. It beats me each time we feel the need to engage in a relationship as mostly transactional as a man would.
When you marry a man because of his looks, money or other affluence, you are in for it — it, in the form of a disaster, heartbreak, loss, you name it. Because as emotional as we are, we would always crave that affection at one point and in a case where we don’t get it, we forget all the supposedly “good” sides that made us get with him and begin to sulk.
Once you complain of lack of affection, you’re likely to continue doing so and that means you’d wish you settled for the other “non-shouty” attributes that would have fetched you a happy ending.
To recapitulate,
A relationship is tricky.
You want it but don’t want it.
You think you need it but you want it instead.
You have it but can’t seem to maintain it.
Everyone talks about it and it makes you feel shitty when you have nothing to contribute.
But it can also be very sweet.
More like a double-edged sword.
Once you have and maintain a strong sense of self, in all ramifications, (self-awareness, self-love, self-sufficiency, etcetera), it goes a long way to averting all the common disappointing notions you may have about getting into a relationship and hence, make you more realistic and adaptable for what’s to come.
They also help you make the right choice or recognize and appreciate your significant other in totality.
P.S. Relationship is only one out of the many aspects of yourself, do not treat it as your everything. Leave a flexible mind that it could go the same way it came as it takes two — but work towards making sure it stays if it’s for you. That way you won’t perish before it’s time.
