Invalidation is a Relationship Killer
When it comes to relationships, it’s dynamism is sometimes incomprehensible. Different sets of people prefer different things than the others when it comes down to their virtues and expectations.
You have people who tell you that they don’t mind being with a partner who lies to them. To protect them from unforeseen situations maybe.
You have yet another set who tells you they prefer you to tell all the truth at all times devoid of the circumstance — even if they can’t stand it.
You also find some that tell you they prefer to stay apart from their partner. As that is the only way they feel closeness and fondness would be fostered.
Whereas others would swear that hell freezes first if they have to be engaged in a long-distance relationship.
Different strokes for different folks.
With these dynamics mentioned above, it comes as no surprise why it’s so hard advising couples going through difficult times. Unless you’re fortunate enough to know their backstory — for instance, as a therapist.
Not even a best friend, parents, or colleague, would be able to involve themselves in the downs of a relationship. If so, it’s always minimal.
The same way there are relationship boosters like respect and sense of commitment, for example, comes different ways to kill it. Always more easily than to build it.
One of such ways to kill a relationship easily is through invalidation.
Before analyzing what invalidation means, let’s, first of all, learn about what validating one's feelings means.
Validation is the act of accepting your emotions as being valid after many underlying considerations toward it. It is a process involved in a relationship that often cushions closeness and trust in it.
When you validate your partner’s feelings, it goes a long way to building the relationship, in that sense, and with a lot of other vital ingredients alongside.
Invalidation works like this:
When you let your partner know about how you’re feeling about a particular thing and they look down on it. Disregard it. Or expect that you bounce back up quickly as though nothing happened. Hence disrespecting your timeline of processing your feelings.
When such a thing happens, it pricks the heart more and leaves the other person restless.
Because relationships are built on a foundation of trust, openness, and love. And while you can’t always pester your partner with every trivial stuff, you should be able to trust them to validate your feelings at least.
Several relationship experts and psychologists have not failed to reiterate the importance of validation in any relationship. Its vitality for effective communication, and overall growth of relationships.
Yet, many people find it difficult to use validating techniques. By saying something as soul-uplifting as:
Baby (always start with a pet name, it’s an ice-breaker), I get where you’re coming from. You’re bound to be sick of it all considering that you worked so hard to attain that promotion and couldn’t get it. If, for instance, that was why they felt some type of way about that.
When you fail to validate your partner’s feelings, you’ve failed in showing them that you value them. Because when you value something, you must have learned about it. Even if not, at least you would have found the best way to approach things in ways that would make them happy.
Invalidation breeds mistrust. It tells your partner that they can’t trust you enough. They can’t trust you enough to relay how they feel, even if with the miniature issues that bother them. And this is a problem. Especially if the dynamics of your relationship are the type that feeds off expressiveness.
In such a case, you would have failed to be there for your partner in a way to encourage them to trust you. And that you would at least understand. Unless that is not one of the bases of your relationship, then I digress.
Invalidation nullifies openness. This is similar to the point above except that this has to do with missing out on the act of being vulnerable. When you are in a relationship, it’s a given that you must encounter several aspects of your partner’s life that isn’t rosy after all. It could be their bodies they feel insecure about, parts that you dislike yourself. It could be about their upbringing, or some other secrets etcetera.
Invalidating your partner’s feelings, in this case, is like ousting them out. Telling them away. Because you have refused to let them be vulnerable and let you in when you’re constantly bringing them by downgrading their feelings. You might as well spill their secrets too. Or use their flaws against them.
Invalidation is hard for someone it would be hard for. But when it comes to relationships, it becomes easier, based on the foundation you’ve built it on. Whether it’s trust, love, openness, or expressiveness or others.
When you know whom you’re dealing with. How they feel from time to time, maybe the ‘whys’ too, it becomes easier to understand your type of relationship.
Don’t start out choosing the person, accepting them and what they’re made of, and then treat them poorly when one of those symptoms arise. It is the worst kind of betrayal, especially coming from a loved one.
I’m referring to relationships between two strangers that came together, but of course, it can be any type of relationship. It can be one between a mother and a daughter; between friends; colleagues; mentor and mentee; therapist and patient.
Any relationship worth having is worth maintaining, of which invalidation kills it faster.
Be aware though, that even if the expectations for validating for feelings cannot be negotiated, it remains a beautiful trait to continue to pump yourself with love. Love yourself. Care about yourself. Take some time to get to know who this beautiful person you are is. It is through loving yourself that you forgo the reliance on someone or something else for validation. Hence, minimizing the pain and heartbreak that comes from invalidation.
As Justin Bieber’s lyrics read in one of his albums “Love Yourself”. It says — You Should Go and Love Yourself.
This is the only tool you have against anyone that tries to pull you down. Or tries to invalidate you and your feelings.
Validate yourself and your feelings.
Tell yourself you should be mad at losing out on that promotion you worked hard on, tell yourself it’s okay that you’re downcast from still not getting certain things right because you are a good person and want good for yourself. Tell yourself it’s fine that you lost your cool when you were provoked many times before then.
Loving yourself and showing compassion by validating these feelings is only human. The much you can do afterward is to realize the mistakes for next time. Don’t wait for someone else to tell you to carry on or not.
You know what to do. You equally know whom you should be in a relationship with.
You got this.
