But of course, I don’t “see” your pain. I don’t feel it either. No one can, and no one will, per se. But I’d relatively say that I “see” other than feel it. Putting it this way sounds more realistic, more natural, more relieving.
How would you feel if someone told you they could feel your pain? I bet you’d feel relieved and validated outrightly. This is always the case when it comes to the trope of telling someone ‘I feel your pain’.
Now while there’s nothing specifically wrong about saying that you feel someone’s pain or expecting someone to, it’s, in fact, a faux-pas, stripping all manner of metaphor, to assume or expect someone else to feel your pain.
The major contributing factor to this mentality commonly comes from going through tough life’s ebbs and flow — which tends to alter our thinking faculty. And hence, pushes us to make decisions we should otherwise avoid and have expectations that are surreal. One of such is expecting someone else to feel your pain. But of course, I don’t see your pain. I don’t feel it either. No one can, and no one will, per se. But I’d relatively say that I see other than feel it. Putting it this way sounds more realistic, more natural, more relieving.
Pain is bewildering yet, inevitable feeling of discomfort that occurs from time to time. The kind that when it does, you can hardly get the mental comprehension on how to avert it.
In times like this when we feel distressed, we expect the next person to us to understand our pain. To feel them and if possible, solve them.
It is true that pain is felt but cannot be seen. But no one can feel your pain as much as you do — not even your spouse or anyone else you consider most lovable.
I mean, in a neutral situation, it makes a lot of sense to think that your partner would “feel the way you feel” since they love you and know you inside-out. But unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Even the most empathetic person has a limit to how much of somebody else’s pain they can acknowledge at any one time that they feel.
The psychology behind the saying “I feel your pain” is that: it is assumed that expecting someone to feel your pain is an act of fear. Fear of not wanting to be held accountable for your own feelings. The fear of flight or escapism from the situation. Which you might hope to pass on to the next person you expect them to feel it.
This is so, because pain is paradoxically not assignable, which means that although it can be felt by everyone, the feeling is unique to each person.
On the other hand, when you tell someone you feel their pain, you’re most likely acting out of empathy for that person. It’s a situation where you’ve been there before, and so you want to instantly validate their feelings to relieve them of the burden that follows. Or it could also mean that you feel responsible for what is currently going on in their life or wish to take responsibility for them— which is not always the best solution. But you have to understand that even the most empathetic person has a limit to how much of somebody else’s pain they can acknowledge at any one time that they feel.
There’s nothing absurd in saying that you feel someone’s pain, except that you don’t. And if your number one wish while in pain was to get someone to acknowledge it or feel the way you feel for a sense of relief, then you’re getting it all wrong.
Because that pain is unique to you. The story behind it — the perception, action, and reaction — all unique to you.
So when next you want to get ahead of yourself with any situation by coercing someone else to feel your pain, please think again.
When next you feel too agog for someone else’s empathy and support and not receiving them as you feel, please don’t be too hard on yourself and them likewise.
This is a matter of acknowledging your own feelings over what your spouse, best friend, father sister, or mentor is feeling from or deducing from it. Be aware of that first. So rather than point accusing fingers, complain, and exclaim in your pain, please take it easy. Because someone else can only, at the least, see your pain, as opposed to feeling it.
It’s quite understandable. If only you will choose to see it from this angle when you find yourself in ‘that’ situation than expecting or assuming, and feeling worse still.
I wish you all the best too.
