How Enforcing Reconciliation Equals a Trauma Response

Not every cracked or broken relationship needs to be reconciled.

When you approach a therapist with your relationship issues, most times it is assumed to be on the final results of a reconciliation. But what if I told you that enforcing reconciliation is as bad as what created the rift in the first place? What if I told you enforcing reconciliation is a form of trauma bond?

Here’s how.

Growing up, the common belief was that we learned from our parents or caregivers that when people wrong you, you forgive and let go — and remain in the same relationship with them — working it out.

Let me present another scenario:

There’s a trite that when two people who were once in love begin to fall apart, the “right” thing to do is for them to reconcile. With this manner of thinking, you’ve been engraved with the mindset that whatever falls apart must be mended. And so, whenever it didn’t happen that way for you or anyone else, you assume you’re less adequate in handling your relationship. This breeds a lot of enforced reconciliations which further brings about resentment for oneself, hatred even, anger, and other unhealthy avenues to let off the incongruent steam.

If that’s the case, I’m here to say that you don’t have to reconcile with anybody you choose not to. You’re allowed to take your time in digesting things and can still let go in the end after realizing that path no longer serves you. It helps to also know though, that there are many forms of reconciliation that many people don’t know about and hence, inflict a lot more trauma on the said couples than the initial.

Reconciliation can happen through talking or talking with your significant other, friend, folks, neighbor, colleague, or whoever fits here. When something goes wrong, talking is creating a chance to hear the other person and be heard as well. It is usually the first sign of reconciliation. You both will understand what created the crack and hopefully speak out your displeasures and hash out the issues through talking.

Reconciliation can happen through instant let go.

Many people prefer not to talk. They remain with you and keep showing you the positive sides to them devoid of the issues you both have gone on. This means that they’ve instantly let go and are revealing their reconciliation by being their regular self or better.

However, reconciliation cannot happen through stonewalling or silent treatment. The issue is pending and it’s only a matter of time before it blows hot and hard. So when someone keeps mute over an impending issue and does not show signs of reconciliation, then it is what it is. Unreconciled.

Enforced reconciliation is the opposite of these aforementioned traits above. It occurs when you’re forced or coerced to have a sit down with somebody you have no intentions of bashing out issues or reconciling with. This predator method of reconciliation can leave one mentally and emotionally exasperated. As they are ladened with guilt to bear, shame, and other self-deprecative emotions. Since it is assumed, they’re going against the norm. This explains how enforcing boundaries in a trauma bond is. Those who watch others or instigate people to go through this torture all in the name of helping or saving a relationship are just projecting their fears and inadequacies in life onto others — as a form of a trauma bond.

Everyone is allowed to act according to how their spirit or emotions guide them. After all, that’s exactly what our emotions are there to do. If you’re in a relationship that drains rather than fills you up, or an unhealthy rollercoaster of bullshit to bear day in and out, reconciling would continue to cause more harm than good. Therefore, no matter how much in love you both are or how much you fantasized over someone else’s relationship lingering on, remember that you’re traumatizing them rather than uniting them. A relationship cannot be reconciled if the parties involved have checked out emotionally.

Beware.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

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Comet N.

A girl who writes & addresses toxic hidden agenda in the form of topical issues whilst digesting their relative life lessons. I can't alone— It's a ‘let's all’.