Don’t Force or Forge Forgiveness
Everyone preaches about forgiveness as though it’s a rose you pluck at the back of the yard. Even at that, roses are hard to come by. So why do we expect forgiveness to work like magic when there’s normally a process to it, a process that equally led to your hurt? Sometimes forgiveness is hard to come by and while I’m all about forgiveness, I don’t forget to include that it might “eventually” happen — as opposed to an automatic one — which everyone tends to preach about.
It’s completely inhumane to expect automatic forgiveness or get one when you haven’t truly asked for it.
I will start with myself.
Naturally, I’m the type of person who abhors pretense. When I say pretense, it’s not the regular “pretending to be somebody you’re not” kinda thing (although that irks me too), but pretending to forgive someone who implores other tactics to obtain it when they haven’t outrightly admitted to their faults and asked for forgiveness even. When I encounter such pretense, it throws me off-balance, and the moral upbringing antics of “you must forgive and let go when people hurt you” doesn’t help matters either.
It’s not that it’s impossible to forgive when people trample on me, but a matter of feeling the peace of mind and liberation that comes with being in a relationship with someone who can admit their fuck up first and try to make amends. But I find it unsettling and highly provocative if I’m being honest, when people just expect you to wish away all the wrongs they’ve done to you or forcefully cajole you with their sudden sweet gestures.
Now, while I’m not against forgiving the next person and also aware that forgiveness is for me and not them, it’s still right and redemptive to get an apology from someone who has hurt me. Because not getting it has a way of compounding the issues leading to resentment later on in the future.
How so?
From my experience, I’ve realized that it’s somewhat easier to forgive when someone genuinely asks for forgiveness as opposed to pretending their way through it. The words resound in your head and mind and nullify negative thoughts or vibes when they spring up when you ruminate. Yes yes, I know you think there’s no need to think back on past wrongful deeds, but may I remind you that we are humans who have strong tendencies to be retrospective, that is, are bound to look back at certain things at certain times in our lives. And if we come across a time when we were truly wronged but never pacified rightly, it could add subconsciously to the resentments we once felt.
Another reason is that it’s easier to let go than it is to forget.
The physical can forgive through repentant words/apologies and actions. Whereas the brain slowly forgets the wrongfulness each time the body reminds it of the counter-action that was taken to evade the wrong deeds— which is antithetical to letting the brain forget on its own where there was inaction. This could only be possible after such a very long painful period. Of which most times, always reduces a form of a feeling of love or affection for the said wrongdoer.
This cascade of resentment needs to be targeted right from its roots to eradicate it or it will spread and affect your relationship(s) gravely.
I guess I’m trying to ascertain that it’s valid to allow yourself to be. To be the type who acknowledges that they’re truly unforgiving until apologized to. Apology in the form of words or action backed up with words — to let it sink into the heart of the person you wronged. That is the only true way people like us can give you the forgiveness which you seek and forget as well. If that’s what you truly want. Otherwise, you let us be and accept how we handle not truly ever forgiving you by forging or forcing it until such a time when it bites harder than the initial time.
I’m also trying to point out in conjunction with validating your emotions above, that you’re allowed to forgive at your own time in your own way. You’re not bad when you choose not to forgive and you’re not good either. You are — just you. And that is what should matter the most. Because not forgiving on your terms and in your time will eventually lead you astray to becoming more bitter in the future when you look back to all you condoned and patched up severally plus the severely leaking relationships in your life that could have lasted had you been yourself and handled things at your pace.
P.S: I reiterate, you’re not “good or bad” when you choose to forgive or let go instantly — as that is all based on how you are and feel in that moment. Trust me, nobody is keeping the scores, you might as well be you.
