Being in a Relationship
All my life, I’ve never quite understood fully what being in a relationship was. When I was learning about it, I termed it the act of having someone with whom you share a bond closer and deeper than everyone else. Other times, I termed it the process of getting someone you love by your side. In my very oblivious times, I simply pertained to it as the process of being with someone whom you intend to have long-term commitments with.
While all these statements aren’t far from the descriptive truths of what being in a relationship means, I’ve never once considered the act of “being” in all of these. This might explain why all the fantastical explanations to what being in a relationship means never worked out for me in reality.
Because the truth is;
Being in a relationship must start with being YOU first.
It must come with the authentic version of you. Not the side of you that tries to bend or conform always to what your partner needs or the society want — before having a blissful one.
Relationships can only go so far when you are being yourself. Because then, you get to evaluate how compatible you are with your significant other. It helps you to grow in the sense that it allows you to introspect areas that are lacking and work on them through determining the type of relationship you have.
I remember growing up and getting loads of advice on how to be in a relationship. Married friends, mother, aunties…society…I tried really hard to be congruent with their style of being. I tried to depict the exact ways they followed their partners, because it was more culturally adaptive.
For example, a woman must know how to cook so that she can wake up way before her spouse does and prepare him breakfast before he leaves for work (in a typical heterosexual relationship).
If I tried infusing this mentality in my household, I will burn out quickly. Because, first of all, I have a very demanding infant that saps all the extra energy for personal time, therefore making it impossible to cater attentively and succinctly to someone else’s needs. So, going in that order of what I’ve been advised to do would be me failing woefully and being unnecessarily hard on myself afterward. So, I switch things up and act according to how my body feels or what it’s up for.
Luckily, my partner is super understanding of these dynamics. Dynamics because, it’s been a whole lot lately due to the baby.
But to some others, perhaps the advisors, it’d look like I’m not adhering to the rules on how to be in a relationship. I don’t care, I’m not being in a relationship the right way… talks like that.
Being in a relationship should work accordingly from to how you feel, how you are, what you are, if you are, and when you are, etc
It’s a state of everything to do with you — in conjunction with that of somebody else — who hopefully likes it. Rather than the feeling of compulsion to exhibit certain traits or features.
Many people see relationships differently. An older person may regard a younger person’s way of relating as rather nonchalant or undedicated. Whereas the latter is simply in tune with the millennials' way of relating — which might be baffling for the former — rightly so.
This is the reason why one can’t be advised on how to be in a relationship. Yes, there are basic standards to adhere to such as being respectful and communicative and the likes. But being a particular way to be called an effective relationship person is irrational.
You choose what works for you and go with it.
People who often advise about how to be in relationships often impose their views on you based on their experience. That’s why you hear people tell you for instance that you must be badass in bed for your marriage to work, whereas in reality, in being in your relationship, that’s probably the least skill any of you would want to push the relationship forward.
So, although I say all this, it’s counterintuitive because I’m somewhat telling you how to be the being you are in a relationship. But I beg to differ because the highlight from this piece is to let you know you have the freedom to exhibit what feels right to you in a relationship as that’s the act of being in it. Rather than researching or conforming to certain behaviors or traits that aren’t aligned to who you are.
Ultimately, the goal should be to find someone compatible with you. That way, you’d be unapologetic with showing that person. You’ll be free, happy, and able to enjoy the said relationship.
Which of course could be any type. For instance, a parent-child relationship, in marriage, partnership, work relationships you name it.
In all and sunder, keep being you — as that’s how you get to form and be in relationships.
