A First-born or First-human?

Which?

As an Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler once said, and I strongly believe, “the person we become is partly defined by the order in which we come in our family”. Being a first born in a typical African home is one of the most bittersweet experiences I have. If care is not taken, parts of the oxymoronic syllables (bitter) may outweigh the other.

I come from a family of nine inclusive of my parents with average of 4 as the highest age gap. Whilst growing up, I had to learn the hard way how to substitute being human first with being a first-born. I always got told what the responsibilities were, the expectations and the expectant(s). In other words confirming the theory by Meri Wallace that some of the personality differences in siblings has to do with how the parents relates to the child and the position itself.

As a first born…

The perks

• A first-born often tend to be a leader, confident and responsible with authority over later-born children or siblings. Their characteristics include but not subjected to-being reliable, high achievers, conscientious, perfectionist and self-critical when they don’t meet up with their expectations compared to a middle or last-born based on personal experience and several articles.
• A first-born is someone who’s usually independent and tends to draw lots of morals, beliefs and values from the parents first hand as well as take on the role of surrogate parent to certain extents.
• As a kid, being a first-born required being in-charge of sharing the goodies my parents bought amongst my siblings with the bigger portion allotted to me (the perks).

According to several articles, first-born children are the ones who get the most attention from their parents compared to later-born children.

I disagree to a certain extent with this.

A First-born needs guidance too

The downsides to being a first born will liquidate the aforementioned advantages and cause damage to how a first-born child turns out if precautions are not heeded to. Firstly, first-born children are innately the sacrificial lamb, what I love to call a “lab-rat”. One who serves as a foresight mirror for the younger siblings to view and take measures to avoid any mistakes before it has even occurred. What a first-born cannot accomplish due to a blind spot relative to education, occupation and/or personal thrives, a younger sibling would easily see and correct/act.

I remember one of the frustrating mistakes I made when I was applying to the University when I failed to comply to one of the requirements needed to be accepted and travel for my studies. This was not due to any form of inattentiveness or carelessness but pure bliss of ignorance. This ended up delaying my admission to the next few months. This was however, a piece of cake for my siblings when it was their turn to apply as they did not only discover that blind spot I missed but also figured out and avoided any novel mistakes that may possibly delay them. These coupled with having me to fall back to in case they needed further guidance. In retrospect, I was happy for them and at the same time envious at how smooth everything went for them at one-go.

Most first-borns look out for the rest with little or no help from any one for themselves

First-borns need their emotions validated too

A first-born is one who caters to the welfare or well-being of their younger siblings. A role model. One who is approached as a leader, friend, sibling, and in some cases parent. In essence, first-born children are usually lonely beings who mostly seek solace in themselves; advice themselves by themselves because they tend to have a strong sense of self.

According to the African culture, a first-born is regarded as an extraordinary being who always has to look after the siblings almost to their own detriment albeit with culture playing major role.

We are expected to be emotionally strong hence not allowed to depict emotions that may characterize us as weak such as crying, anxiousness, tiredness and feeling downcast. Even when we feel these ways, we are not expected to show it especially not in front of our siblings. we are supposed to be courageous, nurturing, kind, and a teacher. In nutshell, a first-born comes first for others with their own needs met last.

What about us?

The pressure I have had to face with meeting up these expectations and the anxiousness/severe criticisms that follow with not meeting up coupled with playing first-born for everyone else and being considered last is disheartening. It has led me to live life on edge with options of either holding on or letting go and falling.

First-borns are humans first

Before being a first-born comes being human first. High expectations from parents and society can leave a first-born feeling utterly miserable when they don’t keep up. These can also mold their lives in negative ways and if possible lead to depression in long term. First-born children who are expected to cater to the needs of others with little or no guidance and validation of their feelings during the process usually end up with lack of self awareness and consequently low self esteem/confidence and inferiority complex etc which can resort to insurmountable mental health problems later in the future.

Conversely, a first-born who exercises lots of authorities in their home in accordance with the dogmas and doctrines may find it difficult succumbing to rules outside their home. They may choose to capitalize on that authority and develop a complex exhibited mostly by bully, trolling and other hateful means of exercising superiority complex which is a cause for concern. Typical example of how the order in which we are being born in family shapen our lives.

Inadequate family planning as a cause of neglect to first-borns

Based on personal experience supported also by a one of the recent studies in a Swedish data explains how an increase in the number of children leads to a decrease in the attention provided and to certain extent, their IQ.

A family with more that one child with a year gap in between implies that the first-born for instance is likely to enjoy maximum attention only for about a period of a year (i.e. newborn to infancy rarely to toddler stage) prior to the second child being born and then the later children. Unless the number of children born is well planned and catered to, lack of adequate family planning plays a crucial role in denying a child full love, care, support and attention needed which can be detrimental. One may think at this point all I need is attention and although I would want to argue it’s beyond that, I don’t mind because it’s needful.

What am I trying to say…

First-born children should not be treated as first to others and regarded last from others because the negative impacts are real. Parents should minimize these expectations they have of their first-born children whilst acknowledging that they are only human. Humans who are allowed to act as one first before a first-born. One who is allowed to fail and rise up, who is allowed to come second third or even last with accomplishing certain milestones. Humans who are allowed to also emulate what their siblings portray as well without shame or guilt. First-humans who are allowed to show their weaknesses from time to time when it is needed with smoldering it. First-humans who are supported to exercise what path they choose to follow without uneasy strict guidelines.

Personally, the negative impact on the mental health of first-born children lies on a thin line with its advantages and only a proper balance in expectations, the number or type of expectant (parents, friend or other relatives etc) and overall support during role fulfillment are required for proper mind stability and enhanced development.

One advice to first-born children who are already in this predicament is to develop proper emotional stamina. This is the ability to deal with any lapses that may occur or have occurred in fulfilling your roles and responsibilities; this includes validation of your emotions, dealing with it however but positively and ultimately, healing. This is one of the best steps to acknowledging you are first-human before first-born.